How I Started to Heal

I was very tempted to title this How I Healed. I would love to tell you that one day I woke up and reality hit me, the chains were broken and I was set free. I would love to have a clean story of the end. Let’s be honest, healing isn’t linear. It’s messy, lonely, confusing... Somedays I still question if I was crazy and must sit and retell myself the story of me in an odd attempt to break myself out of my amnesiac fantasy. What I can tell you that was definite: God was there. 

I know when I was first married I “knew” I didn’t deserve this amazing creature, and when he told me he was disappointed in the wife I was within our first month of marriage I knew I would have to aim higher. The first few years were a constant struggle to be the “good”, “godly”, “submissive”, “conservative” wife that I was “supposed to be” and though he wasn’t perfect, I was to strive in my calling. Isn’t that what we’re told to do? Each person is to give 100% in the marriage. Give 100% of what? 

Within the first year was when I picked up that things weren’t going to be fair. He was able to do unthoughtful, hurtful things and grace could be given, but if I made mistakes, it was unacceptable and rage or silent treatment was the consequence. This acknowledgment was probably my first step in the right direction. For the first time I saw imbalance. This is where the recognition of abuse began and where I started to heal.  

I know, it doesn't sound exciting. What happened? I will not give the glory to the enemy. This is where I know God stepped in and started to lead. It would take Him almost 20 years of loving kindness to open my eyes to see a glimpse of my value.

When did you start to heal? Remember the strength the Lord gave you in those little victories. Write them down. Remember. There will always be the intense flashbacks, the memories that you wish... Stop. Remember that He was there, and He gave you the strength to see that as a child of God you knew something was wrong. That was when you caught your first glimmer of your true value.